Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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