I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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