i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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