Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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