apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the day after is always just damage control
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
