I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
