How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
