In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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