god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
