I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
