Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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