Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
pray to the hookup gods
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
