If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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