Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
