Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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