I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
