apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
