i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
