My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
