just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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