If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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