dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
