this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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