sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
then he tried to convert me to islam
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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