yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
