hotel room ftw
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
