I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
