Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Enjoy the penises
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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