as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
