bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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