I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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