there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You pole danced in your parka.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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