its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Be still, my beating vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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