Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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