Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
