is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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