Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
