I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
