Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
