You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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