"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
