I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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