I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
