So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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