I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
