I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
