His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
