I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
