i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
