All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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